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certain things in my life.  I hate the fact that I had to bury my father this morning.  I hate the majority of the the Food Network.  I hate the c word.  You know…the one spelled like can’t but it isn’t a contraction and change the vowel.  I hate racism.  I hate modern politics.  But that’s enough hate.  Now on to something that makes me pee myself.

I love ‘No Reservations’ with Anthony Bourdain.  He is witty, honest and dislikes Food Network as much as I do.  I’ve always wondered what happened between Tony and Food Network so I decided to type in my Google Toolbar ‘Why does Anthony Bourdain dislike Food Network’ to see what would be returned.  I got as far as ‘why does’ , when I noticed the following results:

I will be addressing these top results individually.

1) Why does my vag smell:  while a nauseating thought I have to say this is most likely a personal hygiene issue.  I recommend a good shower with a strong soap.  Something like LAVA.

2) Why does my eye twitch:  if you had to smell number 1 your eye would twitch float.

3) Why does poop float:  pay more attention.  Most of the time you’ll notice it sinks.  If it floats, its probably full of air.  For more clarification see this Link.

4) Why does my dog eat poop:  if you ever figure this out please let me know.  Strangest shit I’ve ever seen, literally.

5) Why does hair turn gray:  as a result of number 1.

6) Why does Kim Zolciak wear a wig:  if you have enough time on your hands to give a shit about why an Atlantan housewife wears a wig, get the fuck of my blog.  Seriously, I’m not that much of a hit whore.

7) Why does ice float:  basic answer is that ice is less dense than the water and therefore can not move the water out of the way.

8) Why does my belly button smell:  get in the shower with some strong soap like Lava, get the tip of your finger really soapy, stick it in your belly button, then wiggle until it is no longer smelly.  Rinse and repeat as often as needed.

9) Why does salt melt ice:  one I don’t honestly have a smart-ass answer for.  Its because salt lowers the freezing point of water.

10) Why does google have apples:  take a moment to move your mouse over the apples at the top of the screen.  Today (Jan 4th, 2010) is the birthday of the father of modern physics, Sir Isaac Newton.

So this wraps up my vulgar attempt at humor on the day I laid my father to rest.  One day I will tell write about what the past week and a half has been like but right now I’m too tired to put myself through it again at this time.  I wish everyone the best and if you found any of this distasteful or vulgar….don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.  If that is hard for you let me put it this way, give me your username and I’ll ban ya 😀

Later peeps and thank you to my friends for your thoughts and prayers!