Daddy, you can’t tell this story. Mommy is going to be pissed!
Don’t worry, she’ll just think it’s another piece of fiction.
If you tell this I’ll tell everyone about you sitting naked on the carpet and you stuck like velcro.
Did I ever tell you about when Mallory —
I’ll never tell.
That’s what I thought.
2 Weeks Ago
Dad, can I play with your chemistry set?
Uh, no. You are only 4 months old. Don’t care what type of super genius you are. Here have a rattle.
I’ll give you a rattle….
Young lady, should you talk to your father that way? Let alone anyone else?
Only Cleveland Browns and New England Patriots fans. Mommy taught me that.
I’ll bet she did.
11 Days Ago
Ben, I have to go to Seattle for 4 days. Can you handle Mallory and the dogs?
Do I have a choice?
Then I guess I got it.
Dad, there is some weird looking dude coming up the sidewalk.
Can I help you?
I’m collecting for —
I’m not interested today.
But sir —
Thanks but no.
waaahhhhh waaaaaahhhhh PFFFFFTTTTT
**slam the door in the guys face
Did you have to scream? You know that hurts my eardrums.
Got him to go away didn’t I?
You’ve got a point. Thanks.
Ready to go see Sam & Timmy?
Heck yes! Highlight of my day!
What about spending time with me?
uh….yeah that too!
**back the new car out of the garage and feel a huge thump
What the hell was that?
I don’t know but Mommy is gonna be mad if there’s a dent!!
**open the door to step out and jump right back in
**hang my head and in a stern yet calm voice
Mallory did you use my chemistry set?
uh…Mom said I could. Yeah that’s the ticket!
What did you make?
Pretty colors in a vial.
Did you throw it on the guy at the door yesterday?
Zombies kid. You made the undead….