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I’ve always wanted to try my hand at some humor so here it is.  I haven’t had it proofed but I love this idea and hope you guys do to!


The Mall.

Bob reached his final destination in the waning of the day.  He loved coming here to see the variety of colors and items for sale in the myriad stores.  Today, he was picking up his Master’s suit from the tailor at the entrance opposite the one where he stood. 

There had never been a problem sending Bob to run errands.  He would faithfully complete the tasks assigned whether it was to pick something up or drop an item off.  Unfortunately, today would be different.

He entered the mall through one of the large chain stores affectionately called “department stores”, even though they are credit card traps that pimp out products for large manufacturers.  At the other end of the store stood Bob’s nemeses — the perfume ladies, arranged like a flock of geese in a V-formation or like bowling pins ready to be knocked down.  Armed with their sprayers looking like pest control men ready to chase off all who dared exit the store without purchasing something.

Bob managed to make it through the first two skirmish lines of perfumed air and finally on the third line he had enough.  Approaching the woman, he heard her words, watched her squeeze her atomizer bulb, and blinked as his eyes reacted to the pungent odor of eau de what-the-hell-ever.  He could take the assault no more.  He opened his jaws — and froze solid as the electric pulse coursed through his body. 

He could not move, see or hear anything happening around him.  The only sense he still maintained was touch, his smell obviously overwhelmed by the bouquet in the air.  Hands grasped him by the shoulders leaning him forward then back.  Bob felt motion while in his reclined state but knew nothing of how or where he was going.  He could only remember the look on his assailants face as he moved towards her to put an end to the barbaric assault.

Eventually he blocked out the touching, moving, and dropping.  It all became to much to handle.  When his senses finally returned, Bob realized that he was in a large room with a lot people in it.  He stood on a cart with his arms strapped to his body and his whole body strapped to the cart.  A mask had been placed over his mouth.  He seemed to remember a movie about a cannibal that was in this position.  The buzz of the people was loud but he couldn’t see them, they were all behind him.

A man in black robes looked down at Bob with disgust on his face like a man smelling his own fart.  Bob’s eyes flashed around the room trying to understand what was happening.  A woman typed on a small machine, recording the proceedings.  Her fingers moving faster than the speed of light.  A man was speaking to Bob in a hushed voice, but Bob paid no attention.  He was still trying to figure out what was happening to him.

The judge finally spoke and everyone in the room got quiet.

“Bob, you are here because of what happened the Mall today.  This is the first time we have ever had this happen.  There are no guidelines for handling a situation like this.  A lot of people that want you dead.  However, I’m not ready for that step yet.  There is no legal precedent for this so here is what we are going to do.  You will attend some very special counseling sessions to see what we can do with you.”

There was a loud bang and the cart started to roll away with Bob still strapped to it, wondering where he was headed next.

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